November 18, 2022

Military, DC University Students, Interns React to Potential Military Action in Syria

Our military personnel are keeping a close eye on the developing situation in Syria. Worn from over a decade of near constant deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan, many soldiers, sailors, airmen, marines, and coast guard personnel are concerned that physical intervention in Syria by American troops is growing more inevitable by the day.

“We don’t even know who the good guys are, and sometimes the ones who are supposed to be the good guys freak out and start to eat people. What the hell is that all about? I mean, they seem to take their religious ideology pretty #$*@ing seriously, but is that even halal?” asked PV2 Ryan Plachetti, an airborne infantryman serving with the 82nd Airborne Division, “And yes, I know what halal means, thanks.”

Adding to their consternation is the reported use of chemical weapons against civilians in the war-torn nation.

“Sarin is no joke, and I hear they’ve got VX too,” said Army Sergeant Amy Barrera, a chemical weapons soldier in the 4th Infantry Division, at her home on a mid-tour break from an 18-month rotation to Afghanistan where she works out of scope as an MP. “VX will fry your nervous system so hard that you’ll practically snap yourself in half, like you’re trying to slap your heels against the back of your skull.”

Barrera continued, “I’m sort of worried because my unit hasn’t really been able to keep up on our chemical weapons disposal training. We’re mostly clearing IEDs and directing traffic these days. I’ll go sweat it out in MOPP 4 all day if I have to, but this just doesn’t make much sense. And nobody I know seems to think any different. Who the hell is driving this push for intervention anyway? I’d like to spend a bit more time with my son before I’m shipped off to babysit a bunch of angry jerks with bombs strapped to their chests again.”

Thankfully, the ongoing civil war and suspected slaughter of over 100,000 civilians by the Assad regime isn’t all gloom-and-doom. The nation’s elite university students and entry-level State Department, White House, and Defense Department staff, fresh from their grueling 4-year tours at premier universities and liberal arts colleges, are happy to do their part in this new, hip conflict-other-than-war-of-the-moment.

“I was bummed that we started that Afghanistan drawdown thing before I finished my undergrad, because I wanted to do some research about the resurgence of traditional Hazara carpet-weaving techniques. But it looks like I’ll finally get some hardcore foreign policy bullets for my resume after all!” said Violet Crumb, a double International Relations and Conflict Resolution major at Georgetown University who landed a “Totes amazeballs spot at State because Daddy is besties with this one dude Andrew Card.”

“It’s looking pretty solid so far,” added Crumb, pulling her resume up on her iPad. “I’ve got like four bullets prepped, down below the description of my service-learning trip to Lichtenstein’s artisan truffle district, and my lacrosse stats.”

Ms. Crumb’s Resume:

“1) Active role in negotiating airspace utilization with the Turkish Government during run up to Syrian Peaceful Peacetime Peace-Party Intervention Saturation Bombardment of Peace: 2013 Edition,

2) Secured Anderson House dining facility and coordinated no less than three local halal caterers on short notice for visiting Arab League dignitaries with scant budget of $50,000,

3) Arranged for multiple coats of high-grade oxblood shoe polish to be applied to Secretary Kerry’s favorite loafers for Sweetest Day (honored with commemorative pat on the head and a Werther’s Original fresh from the Secretary’s pocket),

4) Obtained several blue-eyed white women from PG County sports bars to serve as footstools for visiting Saudi military advisors,”

“Maybe I’ll massage that last one a bit more,” finished Crumb, stepping into her graduate advisor’s office. “Human trafficking issues are so 2010 anyway. I don’t want to date myself.”

Other starry-eyed young  future beltway elites have found themselves “forward deployed” to overseas locations via student exchanges and internships, where they are already planning preemptive strikes to their curricula vitae.

Junior American University media studies major Jackson Higgenbotham-Smythe IV, of the Finger Lakes Higgenbotham-Smythes, is currently “stationed” on the island of Capri, a scant 2,000 miles from Damascus. Higgenbotham-Smythe, in typical laconic Finger Lakes Higgenbotham-Smythe fashion, said of his aggressive commitment to his resume preparations, “I’ve already got some fatty bullets ready for when the boots hit the ground. Not that they will. The President has said that they won’t. Or might not. Or that he reserves the option to if and when he wants to because Russia, et cetera and stuff. My dad broke it down for me when we Skyped the other day from the trimaran.”

Higgenbotham-Smythe is confidant in the predictions contained in his preemptive resume. “The whole thing is seriously going to be fast and easy, like Grenada, or Somalia. Black Hawk Down is the shit, by the way,” chuckled Higgenbotham-Smythe around a mouthful of oyster granita. “I watched it in Intro History of African Resource Conflict. Changed my life. I could really empathize with those dudes.”

Pulling a Moleskine notebook from the understated Hermès bag attached to his collapsible travel fixie, Higgenbotham-Smythe continued, “I’ve got to have my resume prepped and ready to go as soon as the conflict gets rolling – I don’t want some low-rent chump from Brown getting his packet to Heritage before I do. I’d hate to have to call Mee-maw and Pop-pop and have them pull strings. I’m my own man, you know? Here, take a look at what I’ve got so far:

“1) Live-tweeted initial airstrikes, gaining over thirty twitter followers from George Washington University chapter of Delta Phi Epsilon, despite shoddy wi-fi coverage at most Amalfi Coast hotels,

2) Endured difficult on-the-ground conditions during airborne insertion of troops into Damascus Airport, including restricted access to organic coconut water and a limited hotel blu-ray selection; no title newer than 2008 (took leadership role in obtaining overnight shipment of burned Portlandia DVDs and pomegranate juice from Mee-maw and Pop-pop’s estate in Grosse Pointe),

 3) Despite 1st-degree sunburn over 60% of body and limoncello hangover, managed to draft white paper regarding the potential post-conflict impact of micro-loans on the traditional Alawite party snack industry,

4) Totes banged all sorts of hawt Italian girls.”

“That last one is a joke, just a placeholder,” said Higgenbotham-Smythe, stroking his wispy, ironic mustache. “It would be super crass of me to bang hawt Italians while our men and women in uniform are all butthurt – er – stressed about going away to Army. We all have to make sacrifices. But seriously if we actually land troops it’ll be all like “Whatevs, brah, double tap!” and Assad will be all like “Oh dude, no way!” And our guys will be like “Yeah dude. Your regime is totes over,” and Assad will be like “Oh, burn.”

“War is probably just like playing Call of Duty, mixed with intense Crossfit. YOLO, amirite?”

Senate Committee Convenes Emergency Meeting in Response to Emerging Sharknado Threat

Defense industry leaders and government climatologists testified before the Senate Armed Services Committee today to address growing concern about the nation’s vulnerability to Weather-Effect-Borne Carnivorous Sea Creature Attacks (WEBCSCA), colloquially known as “sharknadoes.”

Sharknadoes, powerful tornadoes brimming with hungry, dangerous sharks, recently tore through a fictional version of Los Angeles, killing tens of fictional civilians and severely injuring working actor Ian Zeiring’s career.

While the phenomenon is entirely fantastic, the defense industry and members of Congress have realized the potential to milk billions of dollars from the federal treasury in response to this potentially dangerous and/or hilarious weather-animal phenomenon that has captured the imagination of the nations’ dumb.

Schtott O’Fonterson, climatologist at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s WEBCSCA Response Center, addressed the root of the problem.

“We’ve been aware that our climate is changing for some time now, but the effects of climate change were always “up in the air,” so to speak. It seems that as the oceans continue to warm, and sharks continue to lose their natural prey due to overfishing, sharknadoes might become more common. Or rather might happen. Maybe. It sure would be scary, right?”

Representatives from the Central Intelligence Agency shed light on the possibility of foreign nations supporting active Sharknado-control technology.

“We have several unconfirmed reports that Iran has constructed a sharknado research facility in the city of Homs,” said one CIA department head, identity redacted. “Lots of sources have informed us that a primary goal of this research is to successfully attach a small directed energy weapon to the heads of the sharks as they are lifted from the water by the sharknado, doubling the potential for mass carnage. Or tripling it. We’re not sure about that yet. It’s probably really credible and serious. We can’t tell you how we know, but seriously, trust us. We’ve got this.”

When pressed for more details regarding Iranian laser-sharknado research by committee members, CIA experts continued, “Unfortunately, without more funding for foreign operations, and a reduction in meddlesome congressional oversight, we will not be able to gather enough quality HUMINT to confirm or deny the presence of laser-head sharknado terror camps in Iran or other hostile countries. We’ve heard that North Korea is also doing something bad, or not. They probably are, because most of the time they are. Just sayin’.”

A sober assessment from the military followed.

“It’s only a matter of time before militant jihadists master the creation and employment of WEBCSCA technology, if it can be called technology. Are we calling it technology now?” offered up Alan Steinman, retired Coast Guard Admiral and current Chief of Weather-Borne Carnivorous Sea-Creature-Based Terrorism Contingency Planning for the Department of Defense.

“Foreign governments could be secretly researching sharknado control…things…right now, probably with the assistance of Iran and North Korea, like the CIA guys say. I mean, who am I to question their track record?” Admiral Steinman continued, “Without adequate funding for a robust Sharknado Defense Initiative, one day Americans could wake up to the cries of militant jihadists shouting “Death to America!” as they ride their tornado sharks through the land, firing their machine guns willy-nilly while ravenous sharks eat everyone they see.”

Senator Carl Levin, the senior Democrat on the committee, pressed Admiral Steinman for more details regarding the Strategic Sharknado Defense Initiative. “Exactly how would this defense system work, and how much would it cost the taxpayer?”

Admiral Steinman responded that he was unable to discuss the defense system as most details were classified, but that, “Lockheed Martin and Northrop Grumman have assured me that the system could be fully implemented by 2018, for the low, low price of Rhode Island.”

Senator James Inhofe offered, “While climate change and sharknadoes are both completely fabricated in my view, I’d be glad to exchange Rhode Island for my constituents’ peace of mind. This project would clearly generate hundreds of jobs, and would help keep America safe from something nebulous, technically impossible, yet frightening, especially now that Iran is possibly involved somehow, with the lasers or whatever it is. Fear of the unknown and objectively, absolutely impossible is something my constituents understand and live with every day. I look forward to reading a more detailed proposal.”

As the committee’s time drew to a close, several unnamed Lockheed Martin lobbyists were seen giving Admiral Steinman a series of epic high-fives.