September 20, 2022

Senate Committee Convenes Emergency Meeting in Response to Emerging Sharknado Threat

Defense industry leaders and government climatologists testified before the Senate Armed Services Committee today to address growing concern about the nation’s vulnerability to Weather-Effect-Borne Carnivorous Sea Creature Attacks (WEBCSCA), colloquially known as “sharknadoes.”

Sharknadoes, powerful tornadoes brimming with hungry, dangerous sharks, recently tore through a fictional version of Los Angeles, killing tens of fictional civilians and severely injuring working actor Ian Zeiring’s career.

While the phenomenon is entirely fantastic, the defense industry and members of Congress have realized the potential to milk billions of dollars from the federal treasury in response to this potentially dangerous and/or hilarious weather-animal phenomenon that has captured the imagination of the nations’ dumb.

Schtott O’Fonterson, climatologist at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s WEBCSCA Response Center, addressed the root of the problem.

“We’ve been aware that our climate is changing for some time now, but the effects of climate change were always “up in the air,” so to speak. It seems that as the oceans continue to warm, and sharks continue to lose their natural prey due to overfishing, sharknadoes might become more common. Or rather might happen. Maybe. It sure would be scary, right?”

Representatives from the Central Intelligence Agency shed light on the possibility of foreign nations supporting active Sharknado-control technology.

“We have several unconfirmed reports that Iran has constructed a sharknado research facility in the city of Homs,” said one CIA department head, identity redacted. “Lots of sources have informed us that a primary goal of this research is to successfully attach a small directed energy weapon to the heads of the sharks as they are lifted from the water by the sharknado, doubling the potential for mass carnage. Or tripling it. We’re not sure about that yet. It’s probably really credible and serious. We can’t tell you how we know, but seriously, trust us. We’ve got this.”

When pressed for more details regarding Iranian laser-sharknado research by committee members, CIA experts continued, “Unfortunately, without more funding for foreign operations, and a reduction in meddlesome congressional oversight, we will not be able to gather enough quality HUMINT to confirm or deny the presence of laser-head sharknado terror camps in Iran or other hostile countries. We’ve heard that North Korea is also doing something bad, or not. They probably are, because most of the time they are. Just sayin’.”

A sober assessment from the military followed.

“It’s only a matter of time before militant jihadists master the creation and employment of WEBCSCA technology, if it can be called technology. Are we calling it technology now?” offered up Alan Steinman, retired Coast Guard Admiral and current Chief of Weather-Borne Carnivorous Sea-Creature-Based Terrorism Contingency Planning for the Department of Defense.

“Foreign governments could be secretly researching sharknado control…things…right now, probably with the assistance of Iran and North Korea, like the CIA guys say. I mean, who am I to question their track record?” Admiral Steinman continued, “Without adequate funding for a robust Sharknado Defense Initiative, one day Americans could wake up to the cries of militant jihadists shouting “Death to America!” as they ride their tornado sharks through the land, firing their machine guns willy-nilly while ravenous sharks eat everyone they see.”

Senator Carl Levin, the senior Democrat on the committee, pressed Admiral Steinman for more details regarding the Strategic Sharknado Defense Initiative. “Exactly how would this defense system work, and how much would it cost the taxpayer?”

Admiral Steinman responded that he was unable to discuss the defense system as most details were classified, but that, “Lockheed Martin and Northrop Grumman have assured me that the system could be fully implemented by 2018, for the low, low price of Rhode Island.”

Senator James Inhofe offered, “While climate change and sharknadoes are both completely fabricated in my view, I’d be glad to exchange Rhode Island for my constituents’ peace of mind. This project would clearly generate hundreds of jobs, and would help keep America safe from something nebulous, technically impossible, yet frightening, especially now that Iran is possibly involved somehow, with the lasers or whatever it is. Fear of the unknown and objectively, absolutely impossible is something my constituents understand and live with every day. I look forward to reading a more detailed proposal.”

As the committee’s time drew to a close, several unnamed Lockheed Martin lobbyists were seen giving Admiral Steinman a series of epic high-fives.

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